I've been waiting until the time is right to post anything on Michael Jackson. I wanted to take it all in and gain some perspective. That's the luxury of blogs. I don't have a deadline. I also don't have an editor or news director yelling, "Get me a local angle on Jackson! And don't mention the child molestation thing! I want schmaltz. Besides, Sony Music won't pay if we don't play along. Did I say that out loud? God, I need a beer."
Back in the 1980's, the City of Cincinnati, caught up in Hit King Fever, decided to honor Pete Rose by naming a street after him. Second Street became Pete Rose Way. And there was much rejoicing. And then came the gambling scandal. It's Second Street now.
Whatever your opinion of Pete Rose may be - and having only talked to him over the phone for about 20 seconds, I can say he seemed like a nice guy and magnanimous with his time when it comes to baseball - we can all agree that he will, indeed, someday be admitted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
Posthumously.
Michael Jackson has passed not only beyond our earthly confines, but beyond our media scrutiny. In other words, it's OK to like him again. In the name of sensitivity and good manners, we must now judge him only by his accomplishments in his chosen field, and not dwell on the sordid details of his private life. Radio stations that, in response to listener backlash and advertiser hand wringing about airing the music of a child molester, had quietly "de-emphasized" Michael Jackson on their playlists, substituting MJ hits with superficially urban but ultimately inferior Prince songs, are now free not only to reinstate The King of Pop back into their All '80's weekends, but actually run dedicated blocks of his music or even All Michael Jackson Weekends. We're off the hook. Let the Thriller begin.
But should it have ever ended?
Gary Glitter has been charged and jailed for child sex offenses more than once. Is this taken into account every time your local baseball stadium plays Rock and Roll, Part II to rally the crowd? I heard Gary Glitter on the radio on the way home yesterday - on a station that won't touch Michael Jackson with a ten-foot pole.
John Lennon was murdered. His signature song, Imagine, was produced by Phil Spector, a man who has just been convicted of murder. Will this tarnish the beauty and the meaning of the song? Will the recording live on? Or will your local Mix station quietly de-emphasize it?
This December, will oldies stations somehow manage to misplace their copies of the "A Phil Spector Christmas?"
Did we ever stop listening to Jerry Lee Lewis? (Married a 13 year-old cousin) Chuck Berry? (Jailed in 1959 for basically being a pimp) The Platters? (Busted in, where else, Cincinnati on "morals" charges) And The Rolling Stones? (The Altamont Concert fiasco that resulted in 4 deaths, one a homicide)
What made Jackson different? Was it the weird plastic surgery face? Was it the protracted news coverage of his trial - the likes of which no other celebrity had ever faced? Was it due to MTV programing shifting away from music videos? Or was it perhaps due to The King of Pop's lack of output during and following his legal troubles?
Whatever the cause, it's a moot point now. Michael Jackson is legend now. And if you think the overload coverage of MJ is going away anytime soon, think again. We have to compensate for at least a decade when he was relegated to Second Street.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Additional Note
If you are thinking about buying a microphone that costs more than a thousand dollars, and it will be used in your home studio, consider the fact that you will want to insure it.
A Neumann purchased by a recording studio or broadcasting facility would be covered under that operation's business insurance. It becomes a line item on a balance sheet that can be recouped in the event of a fire, break-in, flood, or other catastrophe. A boutique mic you bought as an individual for home use can also be stolen or damaged, but the cost of replacement out-of-pocket is probably beyond your means. And even if you can afford to replace it, you won't be very happy about it. All the more reason a quality mic that's "Damn close" to the Neumann sound might be a better buy. Besides, if your CAD M9 takes a walk, you can probably buy a new one the next day at Bob's Music. Good luck getting a Tiffany mic replaced any time this week. (Scroll back to why I suggested keeping a Shure SM58 on hand.)
This also applies to the preamp, which can run you well over a thousand just for an Avalon M5. (It sounds great, but it's light on features.) Ah, that $65 ART preamp doesn't look so bad now, does it?
If you still want only the best in your home studio, call your insurance agent and check on getting your gear covered in your homeowners policy. Put on your Big Boy pants and pay the insurance. It's worth it.
A Neumann purchased by a recording studio or broadcasting facility would be covered under that operation's business insurance. It becomes a line item on a balance sheet that can be recouped in the event of a fire, break-in, flood, or other catastrophe. A boutique mic you bought as an individual for home use can also be stolen or damaged, but the cost of replacement out-of-pocket is probably beyond your means. And even if you can afford to replace it, you won't be very happy about it. All the more reason a quality mic that's "Damn close" to the Neumann sound might be a better buy. Besides, if your CAD M9 takes a walk, you can probably buy a new one the next day at Bob's Music. Good luck getting a Tiffany mic replaced any time this week. (Scroll back to why I suggested keeping a Shure SM58 on hand.)
This also applies to the preamp, which can run you well over a thousand just for an Avalon M5. (It sounds great, but it's light on features.) Ah, that $65 ART preamp doesn't look so bad now, does it?
If you still want only the best in your home studio, call your insurance agent and check on getting your gear covered in your homeowners policy. Put on your Big Boy pants and pay the insurance. It's worth it.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Tiffany Microphones
If you followed my posts regarding home voice over studios and microphones, you noticed I haven't had much to say beyond getting started and settling in. I haven't reviewed Neumann mics or Avalon preamps and the like. This is because, as your experience grows, you need to listen to your ears more, and listen to people like me less. I can give you some advice if you ask, but overall you are the only person who can judge what works best for you.
A few months ago, I bought an AKG Perception 220 because of a low-low bargain deal I spotted. I paid about $160 all told, and I've been surprisingly pleased with the mic. My voice benefits from the mid to upper range sweetness of the AKG family. I started getting compliments right away, so the 220 has stayed on my mic stand and has become the workhorse. Not bad for under $200.
So, do I need a Neumann? Well, at the moment, my balance sheet says "No," and that may be all she wrote. But do you need a mic with a price tag over $1,000?
You should know that there are two mics that appear again and again in LA studios. One is the Sennheiser MHK 416, a hypercardioid "short shotgun" that rules the sound stages and Foley rooms throughout So Cal and beyond. It's a sleek beauty with a quality that makes your voice cut through the mix, not necessarily with balls, but with that "sweetness" I mentioned in the AKG. It's a different breed of mic than the typical studio condenser, and at an MSRP of $2,000, it's worth every penny. A nice choice if you don't like talking into a pop filter; the pattern on this baby lets you back off. But it will expose every bad habit you bring to it, and it can't make up for poor room acoustics. Yes, it will pick up your neighbor's dog barking... a block away.
The other is the stalwart of the recording booth, the one you're most likely to see in the behind the scenes voice recording footage of animated cartoons, the Neumann U87. At this moment, I should point out that Neumann is a religion all its own. They are that good. Neumann offers a wide selection of studio condensers with differences that range from the subtle - a U49 has a bit of high end loss when addressed off axis, which can be used to great effect to reduce mouth noises and sibilance - to the Holy Overengineered, Batman!" end of the spectrum. (Their most expensive mics, like the one that was on Jay Leno's desk, has infinitely variable pick-up patterns selected by remote control. Oh, and it comes in black.) The TLM series is transformerless design. The U's are old school Neumann. The M line is modernized classics like the 47. The BCM's are aimed at the broadcast market and contain the sole dynamic in Neumann's studio collection.
The U87 is a gentle, unforgiving, sensitive beast. If you're wearing headphones and have never used one before, the U87 will make you stop and go, "Whoa. I sound good." Unless you don't... then you'll stop and say, "Yeee cats! I sould like Gilbert Gottfried!" Your studio must be perfect. It too can pick up your neighbor's dog, but it'll be the best damn dog bark you'll ever record. At an MSRP of $3,800, that dog better sound like Harry Connick Freakin' Junior.
My advice is, if you can, test drive different mics at studios that have them, or a retailer, or make some professional connections and see if you can borrow one. (The friend that lets you borrow his Neumann is a friend indeed.)
Just like choosing a watch, you should pick the mic that you like. And you are the only person you need to impress. If you like what you hear when you test drive a Neumann, then by all means, get it. If you like Audio Technica, stay with it. And so on. Just don't be afraid to try something new once in a while. And grab a bargain when you can. You might be surprised.
A few months ago, I bought an AKG Perception 220 because of a low-low bargain deal I spotted. I paid about $160 all told, and I've been surprisingly pleased with the mic. My voice benefits from the mid to upper range sweetness of the AKG family. I started getting compliments right away, so the 220 has stayed on my mic stand and has become the workhorse. Not bad for under $200.
So, do I need a Neumann? Well, at the moment, my balance sheet says "No," and that may be all she wrote. But do you need a mic with a price tag over $1,000?
You should know that there are two mics that appear again and again in LA studios. One is the Sennheiser MHK 416, a hypercardioid "short shotgun" that rules the sound stages and Foley rooms throughout So Cal and beyond. It's a sleek beauty with a quality that makes your voice cut through the mix, not necessarily with balls, but with that "sweetness" I mentioned in the AKG. It's a different breed of mic than the typical studio condenser, and at an MSRP of $2,000, it's worth every penny. A nice choice if you don't like talking into a pop filter; the pattern on this baby lets you back off. But it will expose every bad habit you bring to it, and it can't make up for poor room acoustics. Yes, it will pick up your neighbor's dog barking... a block away.
The other is the stalwart of the recording booth, the one you're most likely to see in the behind the scenes voice recording footage of animated cartoons, the Neumann U87. At this moment, I should point out that Neumann is a religion all its own. They are that good. Neumann offers a wide selection of studio condensers with differences that range from the subtle - a U49 has a bit of high end loss when addressed off axis, which can be used to great effect to reduce mouth noises and sibilance - to the Holy Overengineered, Batman!" end of the spectrum. (Their most expensive mics, like the one that was on Jay Leno's desk, has infinitely variable pick-up patterns selected by remote control. Oh, and it comes in black.) The TLM series is transformerless design. The U's are old school Neumann. The M line is modernized classics like the 47. The BCM's are aimed at the broadcast market and contain the sole dynamic in Neumann's studio collection.
The U87 is a gentle, unforgiving, sensitive beast. If you're wearing headphones and have never used one before, the U87 will make you stop and go, "Whoa. I sound good." Unless you don't... then you'll stop and say, "Yeee cats! I sould like Gilbert Gottfried!" Your studio must be perfect. It too can pick up your neighbor's dog, but it'll be the best damn dog bark you'll ever record. At an MSRP of $3,800, that dog better sound like Harry Connick Freakin' Junior.
My advice is, if you can, test drive different mics at studios that have them, or a retailer, or make some professional connections and see if you can borrow one. (The friend that lets you borrow his Neumann is a friend indeed.)
Just like choosing a watch, you should pick the mic that you like. And you are the only person you need to impress. If you like what you hear when you test drive a Neumann, then by all means, get it. If you like Audio Technica, stay with it. And so on. Just don't be afraid to try something new once in a while. And grab a bargain when you can. You might be surprised.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Digital Rapture
It's here. The post analog era of television. The Digital Rapture. Were you left behind?
At the this writing, the panic calls to our station have been sparse. I suspect they'll trickle in as the days pass. As I put it in an inner-office memo, there's bound to be somebody out there who won't notice the analog is gone until they try to tune in Saturday Night Live. After all, we are NBC.
I'd say the majority of the issues with digital have something to do with the antenna, with the rest of calls falling into the "Can't get this f____ converter box to work" category. Most people used to aim an antenna in the general direction of the TV station and watch to their heart's content. Digital requires that the antenna be aimed with the precision of a surveyor's laser sight, and focused to a degree just slightly less demanding than that used for the Hubble telescope.
A year or so ago, some jackalopes got on TV with those "Make the Switch" spots and told people that rabbit ears would do the trick. Anybody with any working knowledge of radio and television signals knew that this was baloney. Guess what? We've turned off the analog, and the rabbit ears aren't working. That's because these guys never told you how to use them. With a few easy steps from me, you'll be watching I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here in crystal clear High Def. No need to thank me.
Rabbit ears - dipole rod antennae, to be technically and linguistically correct (One antenna, two antennae) - never really worked well even back when Jackie Gleason was on Saturday nights. They are a compromise that served only those in urban locales with strong signals that bounced off of every solid surface known to man. What's really happening here is that a reflected signal is reaching one rod of the antenna at a slightly different time than the other. When this happens the wrong way, you see ghosts in the picture. But, if you angled the ears just right, you managed to cancel out the effect of the bouncing signal, kinda like the way the IRS cancels out your yearly income. Oh, and did I mention they only work on VHF channels? UHF gets the hoop, that equally useless piece of metal little TV sets used to come with.
Like women in a singles' bar, digital receivers only want a strong signal, and have a low tolerance for weak reflected signals, so the phase cancellation method the rabbits ears use doesn't work all that well. You have to go for the direct pickup. We're still talking about TV reception, right?
First, as I said, rabbit ears only work on VHF, channels 2-13. Moving the rods around might seem to do something on UHF channels, but what's really happening is your body is changing the reception. Step away and the signal reverts to where it was. If you don't have any VHF signals in your area, you can still use your new rabbit ears as modern art, a cap holder, or for Halloween when you want to dress up as Uncle Martin from My Favorite Martian.
Second, digital television broadcast signals use what's called horizontal polarization. Easy, folks; that's not the name of a porn movie. It simply means the signal travels from the transmitter in wavy lines parallel to the ground. You know, like Lindsey Lohan returning home on on a Saturday night. That means the best antennae use horizontal rods to catch or reflect the signal, which is why an outdoor antenna looks a bit like something you could use to hang your laundry on. That means the rods of your rabbit ears have to be down in a horizontal position.
Third, this arrangement must now be rotated to present the largest aspect to the transmitting antenna. In other words, turn it until one of the rods pokes you in the eye every time you walk near it, and you'll get perfect reception - assuming you're on the second floor or higher and have a picture window looking straight out in the direction of the TV station.
And it's just that simple. So, the next time some technogeek who works in television tries to tell you rabbit ears won't work on digital, you can say, "Mine do... if you could just step a few inches to the left, and hold up your right arm."
At the this writing, the panic calls to our station have been sparse. I suspect they'll trickle in as the days pass. As I put it in an inner-office memo, there's bound to be somebody out there who won't notice the analog is gone until they try to tune in Saturday Night Live. After all, we are NBC.
I'd say the majority of the issues with digital have something to do with the antenna, with the rest of calls falling into the "Can't get this f____ converter box to work" category. Most people used to aim an antenna in the general direction of the TV station and watch to their heart's content. Digital requires that the antenna be aimed with the precision of a surveyor's laser sight, and focused to a degree just slightly less demanding than that used for the Hubble telescope.
A year or so ago, some jackalopes got on TV with those "Make the Switch" spots and told people that rabbit ears would do the trick. Anybody with any working knowledge of radio and television signals knew that this was baloney. Guess what? We've turned off the analog, and the rabbit ears aren't working. That's because these guys never told you how to use them. With a few easy steps from me, you'll be watching I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here in crystal clear High Def. No need to thank me.
Rabbit ears - dipole rod antennae, to be technically and linguistically correct (One antenna, two antennae) - never really worked well even back when Jackie Gleason was on Saturday nights. They are a compromise that served only those in urban locales with strong signals that bounced off of every solid surface known to man. What's really happening here is that a reflected signal is reaching one rod of the antenna at a slightly different time than the other. When this happens the wrong way, you see ghosts in the picture. But, if you angled the ears just right, you managed to cancel out the effect of the bouncing signal, kinda like the way the IRS cancels out your yearly income. Oh, and did I mention they only work on VHF channels? UHF gets the hoop, that equally useless piece of metal little TV sets used to come with.
Like women in a singles' bar, digital receivers only want a strong signal, and have a low tolerance for weak reflected signals, so the phase cancellation method the rabbits ears use doesn't work all that well. You have to go for the direct pickup. We're still talking about TV reception, right?
First, as I said, rabbit ears only work on VHF, channels 2-13. Moving the rods around might seem to do something on UHF channels, but what's really happening is your body is changing the reception. Step away and the signal reverts to where it was. If you don't have any VHF signals in your area, you can still use your new rabbit ears as modern art, a cap holder, or for Halloween when you want to dress up as Uncle Martin from My Favorite Martian.
Second, digital television broadcast signals use what's called horizontal polarization. Easy, folks; that's not the name of a porn movie. It simply means the signal travels from the transmitter in wavy lines parallel to the ground. You know, like Lindsey Lohan returning home on on a Saturday night. That means the best antennae use horizontal rods to catch or reflect the signal, which is why an outdoor antenna looks a bit like something you could use to hang your laundry on. That means the rods of your rabbit ears have to be down in a horizontal position.
Third, this arrangement must now be rotated to present the largest aspect to the transmitting antenna. In other words, turn it until one of the rods pokes you in the eye every time you walk near it, and you'll get perfect reception - assuming you're on the second floor or higher and have a picture window looking straight out in the direction of the TV station.
And it's just that simple. So, the next time some technogeek who works in television tries to tell you rabbit ears won't work on digital, you can say, "Mine do... if you could just step a few inches to the left, and hold up your right arm."
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Shout! Shout! Let It All Out!
These are the things I can do without:
"Jon & Kate." Who cares? Apparently, 9.5 million TV viewers, according to the Nielson numbers. What I want to know is who are these 9.5 million people and how can I avoid them? Okay, so here's the premise: this couple has twins, and then she pops out a litter of six. Once upon a time, to become a celebrity you needed talent at a legitimate art or craft, such as acting, dancing, music, or comedy. These days in America, you get over 9 million viewers just for doing the same thing a sow can do. Stop it.
This just in: some kids graduated from high school! There are roughly 50 school districts in my area of media influence. Every year around this time, they hold commencement ceremonies. They did it last year. They're doing it this year. They'll do it next year. It is a predictable event, and, unless the valedictorian accepts her diploma in the nude, not unique from any other commencement ceremony. Therefore - say it with me, news directors - This is not news. Stop wasting my time putting graduation stories in the newscast.
Sportscasts that forget to bring us the actual game. "And now let's go up in the bleachers and check in with Joe Schlock who's found some fans to talk to. Joe?" Joe then proceeds to yak with a fan, a group of fans who drove all the way in from Gemethefugoutta, West Virginia, or some old timer who remembers the big game on this day in 1957. "That was quite a day, wasn't it?" asks Joe. "Yeah. Yeah. It was quite a day," says the old timer. Meanwhile, the game itself is reduced to a postage stamp image on the screen, where we strain to see the grounder that got through the gap and the runner sliding at second. The only people who actually benefit from this is the local Radio Shack, who sees a run in replacement remote control sales the next day after hundreds of baseball fans threw theirs at the screen yelling, "Shut the **** up!"
Shows that have no ending. The Season Finale has become a tired excuse for not bothering to write a proper climax and wrapping the story. In other words, if they didn't slather it "A gripping finale that will leave you breathless" promotional blather, you'd swear it was just a show without an ending. Southland left me absolutely dumbstruck. Someone want to tell me how the policewoman and the gangbangers traded multiple rounds of serious firepower outside her house without anybody hitting anything? Come on. That getaway car should've looked like Swiss cheese. A blown tire, at least. How did the banger completely miss the policewoman, the house, the trees, Planet Earth with an automatic going like blazes? Then, on Sunday night, NBC reran part one of The Last Templar without bothering to tell anyone watching it was a two-part movie to be continued Monday. Oh, no, let's leave that to the affiliates to explain to the viewers who called to basically ask WTF? The difference between "Who shot JR?" and "Who cares?" is in the construction of solid storytelling from beginning to end... within this episode. That's called a "Cliffhanger." To do otherwise is called, "Cheating the audience."
Dramas that ask me to endure a badly sung, maudlin song during the final five minutes. This ain't Titanic, folks. ER was the worst. It's gone. Let's just let it go. If I want a reason to kill myself, I'll just look at last quarter's 401k statement.
Radio stations that stop the music at 4:20AM only to run six minutes of PSA's and a spot for a "get it up" pill. Hey. If you didn't sell the time, shut up and play the music! Corner the 23 year-old program director (an honorary title, at best) about this malady, and he'll eventually blurt out that the automation makes him do it. No, asswipe, you are supposed to run the radio station, not the computers. And if somebody in San Antonio tells you to subject your listeners to this crap, you say, "Okay." And then you go ahead and do the right thing anyway. Because a company that's a kabillion dollars in the red obviously doesn't pay attention to the details in the individual markets. And maybe one of the reasons you're so deep in debt is because you've pissed away your listeners playing six minutes of clutter for no reason. Grow a pair, Sparky.
Publications with web sites that take decades of credibility and prestige and flush it down the toilet faster than you can say, "Mortgage rates are lower than ever." Hey, US News and World Report... do you have any idea how difficult it is to focus on an article on North Korea's nuclear ambitions and whether or not China's condemnation is nothing more than lip service, when the there's an animated horse's ass wiggling along the right column? Either ask me to subscribe, or switch to reporting on Jon & Kate. At least I can read about horses asses while I'm looking at one.
"Jon & Kate." Who cares? Apparently, 9.5 million TV viewers, according to the Nielson numbers. What I want to know is who are these 9.5 million people and how can I avoid them? Okay, so here's the premise: this couple has twins, and then she pops out a litter of six. Once upon a time, to become a celebrity you needed talent at a legitimate art or craft, such as acting, dancing, music, or comedy. These days in America, you get over 9 million viewers just for doing the same thing a sow can do. Stop it.
This just in: some kids graduated from high school! There are roughly 50 school districts in my area of media influence. Every year around this time, they hold commencement ceremonies. They did it last year. They're doing it this year. They'll do it next year. It is a predictable event, and, unless the valedictorian accepts her diploma in the nude, not unique from any other commencement ceremony. Therefore - say it with me, news directors - This is not news. Stop wasting my time putting graduation stories in the newscast.
Sportscasts that forget to bring us the actual game. "And now let's go up in the bleachers and check in with Joe Schlock who's found some fans to talk to. Joe?" Joe then proceeds to yak with a fan, a group of fans who drove all the way in from Gemethefugoutta, West Virginia, or some old timer who remembers the big game on this day in 1957. "That was quite a day, wasn't it?" asks Joe. "Yeah. Yeah. It was quite a day," says the old timer. Meanwhile, the game itself is reduced to a postage stamp image on the screen, where we strain to see the grounder that got through the gap and the runner sliding at second. The only people who actually benefit from this is the local Radio Shack, who sees a run in replacement remote control sales the next day after hundreds of baseball fans threw theirs at the screen yelling, "Shut the **** up!"
Shows that have no ending. The Season Finale has become a tired excuse for not bothering to write a proper climax and wrapping the story. In other words, if they didn't slather it "A gripping finale that will leave you breathless" promotional blather, you'd swear it was just a show without an ending. Southland left me absolutely dumbstruck. Someone want to tell me how the policewoman and the gangbangers traded multiple rounds of serious firepower outside her house without anybody hitting anything? Come on. That getaway car should've looked like Swiss cheese. A blown tire, at least. How did the banger completely miss the policewoman, the house, the trees, Planet Earth with an automatic going like blazes? Then, on Sunday night, NBC reran part one of The Last Templar without bothering to tell anyone watching it was a two-part movie to be continued Monday. Oh, no, let's leave that to the affiliates to explain to the viewers who called to basically ask WTF? The difference between "Who shot JR?" and "Who cares?" is in the construction of solid storytelling from beginning to end... within this episode. That's called a "Cliffhanger." To do otherwise is called, "Cheating the audience."
Dramas that ask me to endure a badly sung, maudlin song during the final five minutes. This ain't Titanic, folks. ER was the worst. It's gone. Let's just let it go. If I want a reason to kill myself, I'll just look at last quarter's 401k statement.
Radio stations that stop the music at 4:20AM only to run six minutes of PSA's and a spot for a "get it up" pill. Hey. If you didn't sell the time, shut up and play the music! Corner the 23 year-old program director (an honorary title, at best) about this malady, and he'll eventually blurt out that the automation makes him do it. No, asswipe, you are supposed to run the radio station, not the computers. And if somebody in San Antonio tells you to subject your listeners to this crap, you say, "Okay." And then you go ahead and do the right thing anyway. Because a company that's a kabillion dollars in the red obviously doesn't pay attention to the details in the individual markets. And maybe one of the reasons you're so deep in debt is because you've pissed away your listeners playing six minutes of clutter for no reason. Grow a pair, Sparky.
Publications with web sites that take decades of credibility and prestige and flush it down the toilet faster than you can say, "Mortgage rates are lower than ever." Hey, US News and World Report... do you have any idea how difficult it is to focus on an article on North Korea's nuclear ambitions and whether or not China's condemnation is nothing more than lip service, when the there's an animated horse's ass wiggling along the right column? Either ask me to subscribe, or switch to reporting on Jon & Kate. At least I can read about horses asses while I'm looking at one.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Complaints
Wow. You guys are angry. I mean mad as hell, and you're not going to take it anymore. Or has someone already said that?
Both Family Guy and Saturday Night Live last week ragged on pop-up promos, those annoying little graphics for upcoming shows that wedge themselves over your favorite programs. There's an article in the Chicago Tribune today joining in the rage. And I understand.
The industry slang for these things is "snipe." It's a simple technique; all you do is key in a source with the snipe material in the lower edge of the picture at the master control level. It's the same as when you see "This just in: a tornado warning has been issued..." or sports scores crawling, only this is promotional, not instructive. The recent innovations that have led to these things sprouting up like video weeds is: computers dedicated to doing nothing else but inserting snipes, and master control boards capable of keying in four or more sources over the main program source. That's right. I can, and occasionally do, lay in FOUR MORE THINGS over your favorite show. Some of them with sound.
Example: It's a Wednesday night, and Law and Order is on. As the show enters it's second segment after the first network commercial break, it is 10:09PM. I already have our local station's "crystal bug" keyed in on keyer #1. A "crystal" graphic is transparent, thus you can see it, but see through it and still see what's going on behind it, even though it's pretty small to begin with. The "crystal bug" is put there in part at the insistence of NBC to remind you that you are watching NBC on your local channel, but also to, and this is important, to discourage piracy. This is really important during sporting events that can end up on YouTube in five minutes. A local bug appearing on YouTube can help NBC/Universal track the pirates to their lair. Argh!
So, one source is already keyed over at the local level, when somebody at 30 Rock hits a button and starts keying in their own snipe. The peacock turns from crystal to solid color, and if the local station is doing their keying just right, it appears that the crystal bug changed right before your eyes. A banner opens up across the bottom of the screen, and we're told that we're watching Law and Order now - no shit, Sherlock - and coming soon it's America's Got Talent! As these things go, NBC seems to have the least offensive promotional snipes in the biz, with a general lack of images, moving or otherwise, and no sound. Of course, NBC is still waiting for Cheers to come back, and they've never really recovered from CBS stealing Jack Benny, so give them time.
As this is happening, the Wilmington, Ohio office of the National Weather Service has just issued a Breeze Warning for Wherethefugarewe County. Following our policy of keeping you informed with the News You Can Use, from the Station Where News is First, Live, and Local, with Late Breaking Developments, On-the-Spot Reporting, from reporters who Know the Miami Valley, we are honor bound in master control to activate the second keyer and insert a Weather Alert graphic in the upper left corner of the screen.
So, you now have 2 local key-overs, plus the network snipe... and for the first ten minutes of Law and Order the actual film of the show itself will continue to drop in their own title graphics telling us who wrote, directed, produced, executive produced, catered, and groomed Ice T's goatee. Somewhere underneath all this is a dead body - at least that's the inference I get from the dialogue.
Then, after the local break at 10:30ish, and I'm not making this up, I am required to use the keyer #3 to insert a local snipe about the transition to Digital Television. This not my idea. The FCC demands that we do this. Yes, that's right. The government is adding to the clutter. But is that really much of a surprise? I have to wait for my cue on the NBC timing sheet to insert this snipe, in order to prevent my local snipe from interfering with the network's snipes. I swear, I'm not making this up!
Put this same senario into an episode of Dateline, and we add keyer #4, the keyer that inserts the columns of fill graphics along the sides of the screen during standard definition 4:3 ratio programming. Viola! I've just maxed out our master control board. There are four things going on the air, and somewhere underneath it all is your favorite show.
We get complaints about other things, like commercials. One common question: "Why do you have to run that annoying song for cable TV over and over?"
Simple answer: Because the cable company pays us to do it. Same thing goes for all the other commercials. But I think the real question you're asking is, "Why do advertisers use the most annoying music ever foisted on a group of humans since the Waco Compound?"
Ever notice how a train whistle sounds? Or car horns? Or any other warning device? Those things are pitched out of tune on purpose in order to get your attention. (For you musicians reading this, they use augmented 4ths, diminished 5ths, minor 7ths, and chromatic steps. In other words, dissonance. Hey, it worked for Mozart. FYI: The old EBS tone still used in EAS emergencies is really two tones at half-step intervals.) Pretty harmonies won't wake you up and stick in your brain. Think of the first line of The Beatles' Michelle. What the heck is that chord when Paul sings "Ma belle?" You remember that, don't you? The difference is that McCartney is using the technique of tension and release to create one of the the most popular songs of all time. Advertisers use lots of tension with little, if any, release to jangle your nerves. A woman singing above her range in a whining voice while the musicians seem to be playing in another key grabs your ear and won't let go. The current state of pop music feeds this machine quite well. The ad agency geniuses who dream this stuff up hope it leaves a memorable impression. Based on the number of bitch calls we get, it apparently works.
Finally, we reach into the mail bag for this real letter from a concerned citizen. Here is an unretouched excerpt:
I swear to God, that's real.
OK. Sir or madam, in respectful response to your letter... You only watched a few minutes of My Name is Earl? You didn't give us a fair chance. You needed to watch the whole show, and then The Office, and then Southland. Next, you needed to watch our late night lineup, starting with the monologue on The Tonight Show. Then you needed to catch Saturday Night Live. Had you watched a fair representation of our programming, you would've realized that we hadn't begun to offend you. Besides, how could you see anything objectionable through all our snipes and inserts?
Damn! There's only one solution to this problem... We'll add more snipes.
Both Family Guy and Saturday Night Live last week ragged on pop-up promos, those annoying little graphics for upcoming shows that wedge themselves over your favorite programs. There's an article in the Chicago Tribune today joining in the rage. And I understand.
The industry slang for these things is "snipe." It's a simple technique; all you do is key in a source with the snipe material in the lower edge of the picture at the master control level. It's the same as when you see "This just in: a tornado warning has been issued..." or sports scores crawling, only this is promotional, not instructive. The recent innovations that have led to these things sprouting up like video weeds is: computers dedicated to doing nothing else but inserting snipes, and master control boards capable of keying in four or more sources over the main program source. That's right. I can, and occasionally do, lay in FOUR MORE THINGS over your favorite show. Some of them with sound.
Example: It's a Wednesday night, and Law and Order is on. As the show enters it's second segment after the first network commercial break, it is 10:09PM. I already have our local station's "crystal bug" keyed in on keyer #1. A "crystal" graphic is transparent, thus you can see it, but see through it and still see what's going on behind it, even though it's pretty small to begin with. The "crystal bug" is put there in part at the insistence of NBC to remind you that you are watching NBC on your local channel, but also to, and this is important, to discourage piracy. This is really important during sporting events that can end up on YouTube in five minutes. A local bug appearing on YouTube can help NBC/Universal track the pirates to their lair. Argh!
So, one source is already keyed over at the local level, when somebody at 30 Rock hits a button and starts keying in their own snipe. The peacock turns from crystal to solid color, and if the local station is doing their keying just right, it appears that the crystal bug changed right before your eyes. A banner opens up across the bottom of the screen, and we're told that we're watching Law and Order now - no shit, Sherlock - and coming soon it's America's Got Talent! As these things go, NBC seems to have the least offensive promotional snipes in the biz, with a general lack of images, moving or otherwise, and no sound. Of course, NBC is still waiting for Cheers to come back, and they've never really recovered from CBS stealing Jack Benny, so give them time.
As this is happening, the Wilmington, Ohio office of the National Weather Service has just issued a Breeze Warning for Wherethefugarewe County. Following our policy of keeping you informed with the News You Can Use, from the Station Where News is First, Live, and Local, with Late Breaking Developments, On-the-Spot Reporting, from reporters who Know the Miami Valley, we are honor bound in master control to activate the second keyer and insert a Weather Alert graphic in the upper left corner of the screen.
So, you now have 2 local key-overs, plus the network snipe... and for the first ten minutes of Law and Order the actual film of the show itself will continue to drop in their own title graphics telling us who wrote, directed, produced, executive produced, catered, and groomed Ice T's goatee. Somewhere underneath all this is a dead body - at least that's the inference I get from the dialogue.
Then, after the local break at 10:30ish, and I'm not making this up, I am required to use the keyer #3 to insert a local snipe about the transition to Digital Television. This not my idea. The FCC demands that we do this. Yes, that's right. The government is adding to the clutter. But is that really much of a surprise? I have to wait for my cue on the NBC timing sheet to insert this snipe, in order to prevent my local snipe from interfering with the network's snipes. I swear, I'm not making this up!
Put this same senario into an episode of Dateline, and we add keyer #4, the keyer that inserts the columns of fill graphics along the sides of the screen during standard definition 4:3 ratio programming. Viola! I've just maxed out our master control board. There are four things going on the air, and somewhere underneath it all is your favorite show.
We get complaints about other things, like commercials. One common question: "Why do you have to run that annoying song for cable TV over and over?"
Simple answer: Because the cable company pays us to do it. Same thing goes for all the other commercials. But I think the real question you're asking is, "Why do advertisers use the most annoying music ever foisted on a group of humans since the Waco Compound?"
Ever notice how a train whistle sounds? Or car horns? Or any other warning device? Those things are pitched out of tune on purpose in order to get your attention. (For you musicians reading this, they use augmented 4ths, diminished 5ths, minor 7ths, and chromatic steps. In other words, dissonance. Hey, it worked for Mozart. FYI: The old EBS tone still used in EAS emergencies is really two tones at half-step intervals.) Pretty harmonies won't wake you up and stick in your brain. Think of the first line of The Beatles' Michelle. What the heck is that chord when Paul sings "Ma belle?" You remember that, don't you? The difference is that McCartney is using the technique of tension and release to create one of the the most popular songs of all time. Advertisers use lots of tension with little, if any, release to jangle your nerves. A woman singing above her range in a whining voice while the musicians seem to be playing in another key grabs your ear and won't let go. The current state of pop music feeds this machine quite well. The ad agency geniuses who dream this stuff up hope it leaves a memorable impression. Based on the number of bitch calls we get, it apparently works.
Finally, we reach into the mail bag for this real letter from a concerned citizen. Here is an unretouched excerpt:
dear w*** at what point does it stop the filthy things you allow over the air I was watching my name is earl the other night for a few minutes and the flithy things so we have to start a boycott of your advertizers
I swear to God, that's real.
OK. Sir or madam, in respectful response to your letter... You only watched a few minutes of My Name is Earl? You didn't give us a fair chance. You needed to watch the whole show, and then The Office, and then Southland. Next, you needed to watch our late night lineup, starting with the monologue on The Tonight Show. Then you needed to catch Saturday Night Live. Had you watched a fair representation of our programming, you would've realized that we hadn't begun to offend you. Besides, how could you see anything objectionable through all our snipes and inserts?
Damn! There's only one solution to this problem... We'll add more snipes.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Take It With You
So, what media do young people prefer these days? Here's a clue.
Last week, my wife and I took a trip to the Columbus Museum of Art. There, we saw the Ancient Egyptian collection "To Live Forever," including a few actual mummies and sarcophagi. The exhibit was geared to all ages, and there were number of kid-friendly details. At one point, there was a bulletin board posting the answers to the question: "What would you like to take with you in the afterlife?"
Zoinks. That's a big question for anyone at any age. As you might imagine, the answers ranged from the simple, ("My Qu' ran," "My Budda,") to the touching. ("My memories.") But a lot of young people want to take their i-pods wherever they go. I would say based on what I saw in this sample, portable music players rank number one as the media of choice. Something to remember if you want to connect with kids.
As for the museum bulletin board, my favorite answer read something like this:
Let's hope Heaven has broadband. You know, if you go into your cell phone's contact list, and replace a person's name with "Heaven," then whenever that person calls you, your phone will display, "Heaven calling." I dare you to let that call go to voice mail.
Speaking of not having the nerve, during the past few months, I've programmed my TiVo to capture all the episodes of NBC's detective show Life. I really like the show, and I didn't want to miss any of it, but now the season is over, and I'd like to clear some space on my hard drive by deleting the show. So, I go into the options menu to do so, only to be faced with a display message that asks me,
"ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DELETE ALL LIFE?"
I just can't do it.
Last week, my wife and I took a trip to the Columbus Museum of Art. There, we saw the Ancient Egyptian collection "To Live Forever," including a few actual mummies and sarcophagi. The exhibit was geared to all ages, and there were number of kid-friendly details. At one point, there was a bulletin board posting the answers to the question: "What would you like to take with you in the afterlife?"
Zoinks. That's a big question for anyone at any age. As you might imagine, the answers ranged from the simple, ("My Qu' ran," "My Budda,") to the touching. ("My memories.") But a lot of young people want to take their i-pods wherever they go. I would say based on what I saw in this sample, portable music players rank number one as the media of choice. Something to remember if you want to connect with kids.
As for the museum bulletin board, my favorite answer read something like this:
"My savior Jesus Christ will provide me everything I need in Heaven.
But I'd still like to take my i-pod, my laptop, and my cell phone."
But I'd still like to take my i-pod, my laptop, and my cell phone."
Let's hope Heaven has broadband. You know, if you go into your cell phone's contact list, and replace a person's name with "Heaven," then whenever that person calls you, your phone will display, "Heaven calling." I dare you to let that call go to voice mail.
Speaking of not having the nerve, during the past few months, I've programmed my TiVo to capture all the episodes of NBC's detective show Life. I really like the show, and I didn't want to miss any of it, but now the season is over, and I'd like to clear some space on my hard drive by deleting the show. So, I go into the options menu to do so, only to be faced with a display message that asks me,
"ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DELETE ALL LIFE?"
I just can't do it.
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